A New Year
Like everyone else, 2020 was not what I expected.
I finally broke free from a three-year corporate bond last August 2019. When I passed the three-year mark, I was in no rush to move. I knew I wanted to get out, but the urgency was not there. I already gave more than half of the year to the company, and I might as well reap what I’ve sown with the performance bonus distributed by March of 2020.
In my head, one more quarter would not be so bad.
January and February flew by with little to no worries about me finally changing my career. In terms of my performance, I worked hard to keep my current streak. Things were okay, even if my family hit a small bump on the road. Everything turned out fine.
Then came March, and I was ready to begin my search. I was confident, it was still early into the year and I had a lot of time on my hands.
Then the pandemic hit. No one was spared.
Coronavirus and ‘Adulting’
So in the first few months or so, I took it easy. The extra time on my hands from working home and management’s directive to ‘stop selling’ finally gave me time to myself. I started looking into jobs I could apply for; I tweaked my resume and signed up for Udemy classes. I started to dance again. I put up this blog; I began to write.
I felt the world’s ‘set back’ could be my stepping stone, but reality hit hard. New responsibilities came along with the transition into the new normal; the cost of living went up due to closed economies, many sectors closed shop. I was one of the lucky few who were blessed to keep my job amidst the chaos.
Then I grew terrified. Leaving my job in the middle of a crisis was foolish. I have known from the beginning that my position was stable. People grow and retire in this position. I knew letting go of the job and all the benefits that came with it will be unwise in the eyes of my parents and other adults around me, more so leaving in the middle of a world crisis.
So I stayed.
Management grew stricter on working hours and I once again reported to the office. Targets at work were re-defined in line with the new normal, and stress was the anthem of my deep, dark under eyes. I was not able to finish one of my Udemy courses, I stopped searching, and eventually, writing became elusive. I was discouraged and felt stuck. I am a coward.
I’ll admit, the initial fear of letting go of a ‘good’ job was further reinforced by the fear of not getting a job in the middle of the pandemic. Some employers responded to my applications with offers of tests and even an interview but I chickened out. I left emails and chats un-read until I ultimately ‘forgot.’
This job is my comfort zone. I earn more than enough for a single 25-year old in the Philippines. I perform well enough; I can excel. I don’t have to worry about the various insurance dues, nor think of the next loan amortization because this job can cover it. I also don’t have to worry about filing my taxes and processing my social security—HR has that under control.
I’m already paying for my retirement. I get to be with my family, with my parents who are not getting any younger. I was even able to cover their health insurance with this job.
Why would I rock the boat? It is floating perfectly fine.
October: The last quarter, A new chapter
I was never happy.
I started working for this company feeling like a tyrant was breathing over my shoulder. Making a mistake was fatal, and I had to learn the hard way. Eventually, management changes made life much easier, but with this came changes with people—and that was not a joyride.
The first team I interacted with all resigned in my first year of employment, and a whole new set of people slowly arrived. Not entirely for the better, personally.
I’ll admit, I was bitter when everyone I knew already had it better. I was still green and alone as the company hired a new team that was greener and, yet, seemed to have an easier life. My bitterness probably took the best of me, and I kept to myself.
I am an introvert and unlike the new members of the team, what I did was never in the spotlight. It became evident, as well, that career growth was not in my horizons any time soon. I worked behind the scenes and as I focused solely on my job, enemies were created along the way. I pretended it didn’t bother me. This work kept me afloat, so personal issues should not matter.
I was too scared to let go of the only thing stable in my life. I even stayed amidst the unpleasantness and snarky remarks. Things eventually grew civil. Even so, deep inside, the environment was and still is eating away at my soul.
Because of this, fear was always at the forefront of my thoughts. First, a demanding job, and now, conflicts with people. How will I then survive a new company? How will I be able to deal with another team? I knew I should move on but I was scared. Strangely so, the month of October seemed to be singing a different tune.
A weekly fellowship that I attend decided to tackle the topic of rest for the month. Rest because we are all chasing after dust. Rest because everything is finished. I work so I can provide for my needs and help my family; I work because the boat had to stay afloat. Then I was reminded to rest.
I realized how hard I was trying to put myself together. I’m only 25, I don’t have to have it all figured out—yet.
I’m done tightly holding on to ropes. My heart and my mind are no longer operating on the fear of turning away from something stable—something sure. Right now, I have comfort with the idea of letting go.
I think I’m ready to turn the page, to put this book down, and hopefully start another one.
Busyzi 
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