The year is almost over. With what happened in 2020, it’s not easy to say things will get better. Nobody truly knows what is ahead. We had held hopes for 2020. This year has served a lesson.
What did you get yourself for Christmas?
The Christmas rush has come and gone. I have been very much concerned with what I can give, what others would like, and need.
With the hustle and bustle of the season, we tend to forget about ourselves. I’m the kind of person who, once is busy, keeps on moving until I get things done. Skipped lunches, un-availed leaves, and an uncultivated social life has been my narrative over the past few years. I forget to care for myself and the people around me.
Then there is burn out. Mental health is more important than numbers, hours, and production. My targets at work are overwhelming, and the year is almost over. I have nothing in my belt to magically beat the clock. I can strive away till the last minute, or I can do my best given the few days before the holidays, tap myself on the back, and enjoy the fireworks of the New Year.
At the end of a long day at work, I feel drained, underappreciated, lonely, and tired. I am still young, yet I feel exhausted. And despite the feeling, I go on with my day and make work or other chores eat at my mind space until I’m too busy to sit down and understand why I feel a certain way.
Pouring oneself out is noble, but you can’t pour anything out if you are empty. This Christmas, I am challenged to take a good hard look at where I am and what is going on. The temptation to buy myself many things while shopping for other people was there, but I know the momentary joy from these material gifts will pass. Having new shoes are nice, but happiness and joy are different things. Once could not find contentment in the latest iPhone or laptop, designer bag, or popularity.
My mental health is not perfect. I feel like I fall in and out of bouts of high-functioning depression and anxiety, of sporadic surges of hope and happiness. Instead of understanding these emotions, I keep my hands and mind busy. This Christmas will have to be different. That is the best thing I can get for myself.
2021 Goals and New Year’s Resolutions
Everyone has goals. Some people seem to achieve theirs earlier than others. If you are like me, you beat yourself up for not trying, being lazy, and eventually giving up. You compare yourself to those prettier than you, smarter than you, more successful than you. And you hate it.
2020 has shown us that nothing is in our control. I planned on moving on, but I got caught in the circumstances and my fear. I beat myself up for that, too, even if this crisis is not a single person’s fault.
New Year’s resolutions have always fallen through, which begs the question, ‘why we even try?’ But year after year, we look forward to the New Year and tell ourselves we will be better.
Is there no hope out there for a lazy dreamer like me? Over the year, I have concluded that nothing will become of me if I sit and wait for better things.
I may not reach my dreams in the coming year, but I will take small, easy, and simple steps to improve myself. Writing a crappy piece a day will be better than my perfectionist brain preventing me from completing one article or one story. Small steps are just as valuable as the leaps of achievement.
Enrolling in another school year of Life
Just because we are older does not mean we have already learned what we need to know at this point in Life. Someone once told me that even as the world around him seemed to overtake him, he will not lose by taking the time to learn. Although there is a big gap between merely learning and finally throwing yourself out there (and the fear of failing may hold you back from the latter), at least you are well equipped to get up if you fail and try it all out again.
Unlike school, failures in Life won’t go on your permanent record. No one will look at your failed attempts to put up a business and hold that against you for the rest of your career. It will help you learn to do things right the next time.
Many from my home town look at graduating from University as the ultimate achievement before they drown themselves in a nine to five, get married, have kids, then retire. That’s the point of those 10-12 years in primary and secondary school. Many hold a degree just because, without embracing the value of learning. Having a formal education is not everything.
I have decided to finish the programs I started to study through various applications such as Khan Academy, Udemy, and Duolingo. Through these platforms, I have begun three different lessons and got stuck. Some of these have been left idle since 2017. I don’t think of these as failed attempts to better myself. I know my windows are still open as these apps have always been there for me, ready to pick up where I left off. No judgment whatsoever.
Unlike some, I am lucky to be surrounded by people who encourage me to go out and learn. So I hope this does the same. I know I still have much to learn.
Busyzi 