Self-confidence is elusive and tricky. I know of people who walk around head held high and of people hunched away from the world. How they carry themselves, totally different. The same goes for how they deal with their insecurities, at different ends of a spectrum.
No matter how hard it is to grasp, self-confidence is a on of the many keys becoming who you want to be.
It amazes me when someone is at home in their skin. To be honest, I do not think I have met many. These are people who do whatever they want and display to the world. No hesitation, no self-doubt. They are not afraid to flop, nor of what people think.
Unlike them, insecurities have since pushed me to things I regret. Either that or they have hindered me from going out on a limb. Insecurities seem to be the worst contributor to my judgment in the past.
Getting over the past
Holding on to things that occurred years ago would not change what you have today.
I was a ballet girl at age 3, but—due to budget constraints—I never trained in the craft. One day, the opportunity to dance fell on my lap. Even after years since my last class, the love for dance rekindled into a flame as a junior high student. And so when I was a student at the University, people said I should continue to dance.
Here I am five years too late. Looking back, I wish things were different. After sitting on a desk eight hours a day (sometimes more), being stagnant has taken a toll on my body. I lost all flexibility. My knees seem to hate me. I am walking around with pains that were never there before. I can even hear my neck creak when I look up.
What is happening to me? I know I am still young, but my body seems to be telling me otherwise. The overbearing feeling of regret and disappointment has been eating me up. I started to muse over timelines where I could have pursued what I loved.
Makes me wonder how people do it. How do they decide this want at such a young age?
How do they know the necessary steps to take to make it? Did the opportunity fall on their laps? Or did they have to go out and get it?
Pining for the past would not change where you are today. It would not change anything. You are here now. The best thing you can do is face it. As you let go of all the lost opportunities in 2020, it is high time to let go of the what-if and focus on the: “what now?“
Today: It’s Complicated
Like all relationships, a good and healthy relationship with the self is not a walk in the park. There are aspects about you that you enjoy and issues that never seem to go away.
Self-love is complicated.
There are days when I plan what I can do today and how I will get them done. I know I just have to do it, but I do not. Cue in the self-deprecation.
In the middle of all the quarantining, I began stretching again and trying to dance. I got tired of it after a month or so. I thought I could give myself a few weeks off from time to time, but then I completely stopped. I lost all motivation. The opportunity was right in front of me, and I did not grab it and make it mine. I kept telling myself I still have tomorrow. Like in the past, my tomorrow may turn to never.
The present is complicated. Some days you feel empowered by a hopeful future and other days you are haunted by mistakes of the past. I waited too long for nothing when I was a university student. At least, even if I stopped stretching and all, I can say I tried. I didn’t cower in the fear of failing. And even if I failed, I know that I tried to take the bull by its horns this time.
The self-deprecation will happen. The process will not be a sure pass at one go. It is okay to stop when you are down. Sometimes we even tend to beat ourselves up when we’re down—something I wish I didn’t do. What matters is you get back up again.
Appreciating your personal process will help you get through. Taking the lessons of today’s failure, you can look forward to not falling down the same ditch tomorrow.
Committed to a Future
Even if the future seems bleak in the grit and grime of 2020, 2021 just started. There is nowhere else to go but up when you have hit rock bottom.
I work in a city built on tourism. Hotels, restaurants, and family activities are the major players in the local economy. Many businessmen were hopeful at the start of the pandemic. They were confident that once cases were contained, things would have gotten back to the status quo. Hopes for a recovered 2020 Christmas season were high. Or so they thought.
Cases in my country were not contained, like many other countries. And the tourism industry of the small city I call home is facing losses. Thousands of hospitality employees were still asked to stay home. Hundreds of hotels and AirBnBs did not open in the most anticipated season of the year, Christmas.
On top of this, there are issues with vaccines. The whole pandemic is a mess. So, in the meantime, you and I should stick to protocol.
We have to do what we can to survive right now. The future will come when we secure ourselves today.
I am trying to better myself towards that which I love. I am trying to commit to working on what I can do today and understanding what I cannot.
It takes work and commitment to build a lasting relationship. The same goes for appreciating yourself; it takes work and commitment to become the person you want to be.
My insecurities hinder me from telling people what I want to do with my life. A big part of this lies with the fact that I am very much unequipped to get those specific things done. Like in dance, I should be training every day if I want to say I will be a prima ballerina.
As you build yourself up now, you can be hopeful the future will hold more than what it does today. A clear path and brighter future could just be on the horizon.
Busyzi 