It’s okay to lose yourself sometimes.
Pain usually pushes the body to adapt, to create callouses so that next time around you would not get hurt. Character development and character arcs in stories only happen when one loses a part of oneself or pays something heavy for what they want.
I have been working as a cog in a corporate machine for more than 5-years and I realized how much my identity now relies on what I earn and my position. I am still holding on to something I have never truly enjoyed because I’m afraid that outside of this, I probably amount to nothing.
I know these are lies. But it’s so easy to believe them when you couldn’t seem to get a break with the job hunting. Personal growth and career development are not a walk in the park.
So much of me has changed over the years and not for the good. I have turned into someone I am not proud of. I do not want to look back to my twenties and hate what I see. And so for the whole month of April, I decided to try to get back to things that I love and pretty much forgotten:
- Put my phone down
- Read again (novels please)
- Journal again
- Drink Tea
- Stretch! (daily)
Put my phone down
Phones never used to be my crutch. That is until everyone was online with it.
Once the internet made its way into our cellular phones, the world pretty much changed.
I got into my first relationship through the technology of Facebook messenger. It’s not all bad. But the constant need to ensure the other person is there put a strain on that relationship. This stemmed from knowing that the internet is so readily available.
Internet on your phone has placed expectations and pressure on interpersonal relationships that didn’t exist 20 years ago.
Friends who I used to only see and talk to in school, I could now chat up any time. But with this freedom came the anxiety. They probably aren’t interested, or I’m wasting their time, or they probably have better people to talk to. The anxiety grew as the connection between people became easier. That is, for me at least.
I was the only one in high school who didn’t have a Facebook account. I was only forced to make one for my classes at the university. Since then, I always needed to be connected to the internet. I deleted my Facebook in 2017, so I’m free from that for now. Sadly, I couldn’t survive a lunch break without scrolling through my phone like everyone else in a dead silent office pantry.
Instead of reading a book while waiting at the dentist, you scroll through your phone. Instead of talking to your friend in line at a fast-food chain, you are both chatting other people up. When did things become so impersonal?
I decided to hold my phone less this month. Instead, I was stuck watching YouTube videos on my laptop and binge-watching Friends with my sister. My body stopped automatically searching for my phone to check my messages or to scroll through Pinterest. Freeing myself from my phone made me realize how much time I really have on my hands and how much time I have been wasting.
Read Again
I am a bookworm. I could keep my nose in a book all day and be content with life.
I decided to read again with a goal of 1 book per month, hopefully, one fictional book and one non-fictional. So far, I was only able to and am still going through the latter.
I am disappointed that I was not able to start a novel. There was a time in high school when I almost read 1 book per day (probably because I was not really listening in class!).
Short Review: I read a few pages of this book right before I hit the sack. At this rate, I’m a quarter-way left through the book. My heart has somewhat found recluse over problems of this world and over things bothering my mind.
This book opened my eyes to the fact that sometimes knowing answers to the ‘whys?’ would not provide the healing and the peace that we expected
It is okay to question life, but it is also okay not know all the answers.
Journal Again
Over the past year, I have been merely going through the motions. On rare occasions do I sit down and process what I have been feeling and what has been happening. I have not been coping with my place and situation as best as I can.
I decided to get back to journaling to help. At least through journaling, I still get to write even if I miss my daily writing goal.
Sadly, I wasn’t able to keep this up. I only have 13 days in—not even consecutive days. I pretty much failed at it.
Even with the shortest entries, reflecting on my day with an objective eye has seemed to lighten some of the burdens my heart has been carrying. I’m trying to reflect on the events of my day from an impartial perspective rather than indulge in my emotions.
The power of the written word is amazing. I know I would not get a far reach with these things that I have written down. I just hope these be used for building up rather than tearing down.
For the Love of Tea
I never liked coffee, but I fell in love with tea. I decided to re-integrate green tea in my life. I decided to take two cups a day primarily for health reasons, then to trim a little of the weight I have been gaining hunching over a desk.
Before I realized that tea stained my teeth, tea served as a wake me up and as comfort. I also enjoy the advantage of getting to refill my drink at a café for free (up to three times max) as compared to my friend who ordered a frappe.
As I said in my Instagram post, I have not been eating healthy and I’m pretty sure my metabolism needed a boost. I’m not as young as I used to be and fat is slowly building on my tummy and chin. My poor diet has probably contributed to odd breakouts on my face.
After a month of drinking one cup of tea when I get up and another after dinner, I was hoping my cheeks would lose roundness but this hasn’t happened yet. I noticed my mind isn’t as foggy as it used to be months ago and I could think more clearly in the morning.
I feel somewhat more productive this month of April. I don’t know if the tea has anything to do with it, but I hope I would keep pushing myself to create. I heard Christopher Nolan always had tea with him during takes. Maybe this would help me create what I want and be successful too.
Stretch!
I know that dancing would be a hard thing to get back in my life on a more regular basis, but I would love to be able to get my side split back. It saddens me that I couldn’t even lay my palms flat on the floor when reaching for my toes.
Stretching every day was the goal… Saturdays and Sundays were the only days I was able to actually commit to this.
When I first got back to stretching for dance, it was a labored effort. I wanted results, and I wanted it pronto. I gave up.
Now, I stretch in the moment and allow myself to breathe.
I also realized that I was taking things too easy on my body because of the pain. I decided to slowly, slowly push myself to my limits. The pain helped me realize how valuable eight seconds are.
Eventually, I want to get back my splits. Right now I have little to no progress. But over the past few weeks, I learned to enjoy the process until I get there.
Busyzi 
One thought on “Back to the Start”