Maintaining a blog for a year has not been easy. I have come to feeling that I am not doing the right thing or that I am straying far from what this blog is supposed to be.
I entered this saturated market with wide eyes and high hopes. Right now, I feel jaded. The internet world is large. Its vastness, something I underestimated in the beginning.
I made this blog to tell my story, learn and tell the stories of others, too. In the process, I hoped I would find myself and maybe help others find their paths.
Little did I know my fear of reaching out to people and the continued fear of putting myself out there would result in a year with little progress. I am still stuck at my dead-end job without any prospects moving forward. I am still too scared to reach out and learn other’s stories.
Even with these set backs, I was still able to pick up a the following gems:
1. Your thoughts are not enough- you can always learn more.
I still do not know what I am doing. I may know how to generally put sentences together. I do not know how to run a website, a blog.
I have worked for a financial institution for more than 5-years. Even if the job is somewhat repetitive, there have always been adjustments to the process. New and challenging accounts are always around the corner.
If this job was a Bachelor’s degree, I would have already graduated and would probably be completing my Master’s. But in reality, I am on the lower rungs of the hierarchy. I still have much to learn. With all the industries in existence, I have probably only been exposed to 10%, even less.
I could be proud and say: “I know how much this pandemic has affected the local industry and the country’s economy. I know how the business loan process works like the back of my hand.”
In reality, I doubt my knowledge amounts to anything. When I was dropped with an account dabbling in integrated poultry farming, my mind blanked. I had to learn details one by one, and I still do not fully understand the math behind the whole operation.
Having been writing for the past year, I learned that I know so little of this world. Making a blog is so much more than the act of writing. On top of that, I know I should work to be a better writer. Am I overthinking this whole thing?
Anyway, I have arrived at the conclusion that no matter what industry you are in, nothing is easy. It would take you years to know all the ins and outs of your industry. There will always be new insights at every corner. You can hide from the fact or take the bull by the horns, open your heart and mind, and GROW.
2. Writing is a discipline, so is everything worth having
Like everyone, I get lazy.
There are days that I just want to zone out. Do you have those days, too? Days where you lay down all day and drown yourself in music, movies, books, or non-stop videos on Youtube. You feel like you have had a tough week and deserve a little break.
It was only until last year that I learned there are proper ways to rest, and this mindless scrolling on social media is not one of them.
So many hours of the day are spent justifying the need to relax, and yet the mindless scrolling seems to push me deeper into a well of despair (The Wind Up Bird Chronicles reference). After wasting my time, I kind of beat myself up for it.
It takes a whole lot of dedication and perseverance to commit to promises you have made for yourself. No one will be accountable for you meeting your deadlines. No one will know if you met them or not. And when you do fail, your mind is your worst enemy.
No one will reassure you that you are more than your shortcomings. It is just you and your self-deprecating thoughts.
I tried to make writing schedules. I only met this 20% of the time. I am not making excuses, but sometimes my heart is too discouraged to try.
Over the year, I learned that like working out, the more I get to pull myself out of a cycle of hiding from writing and hating myself for it, the faster I would learn to identify the spiral and overcome. These slumps would make me stronger. The more I stick to the routine, the more it will come naturally. And as a muscle grows the more you work out, so will your achievements (eventually, hopefully).
3. Social Media is Scary. Another hill to get through
For those who personally know me, I do not personally have social media. I only have a messenger account.
I had no plans of creating a Facebook account when my high school classmates were online, sharing pictures and tagging each other. I was only required to makes a Facebook account because of one professor who gave assignments on the platform.
After graduating and keeping the account for a year, I deactivated the profile—for personal reasons.
My absence online did not affect my existence. I still had friends and family around me. I did not need it.
After a few months in this writing journey, I learned that starting this blog demanded more than my rambling if the point was to reach out to people. So I made an Instagram account and a Twitter. I am still figuring it out. To this date (of writing), I have less than five (5) followers.
Every time I want to be active on these sites, I chicken-out and mindlessly scroll instead. Putting yourself out there is scary, but I know I would not succeed in anything if I do not give things a shot.
Like biking through the many hills and mountains of Baguio City, I would be able to overcome the hills of social media one by one. It just takes practice, a whole lot of practice.
4. Community is more Important than Returns
Sharing lives with people is more important than your views and following.
I really want to know your stories. I want to learn from others and maybe get to help/encourage others, too. I may be terrified to reach out, but that is the point of our existence. We are not meant to live in isolation, away from the community.
I listened to this anthropologist who attributed the signs of civilization to evidence of injuries allowed to heal rather than bronze and metals tools. Community is more important than the individual tools we have for personal survival. A single sword could not protect you from the elements of the world, but a group of people working together to make a home, a guarded community would.
Truth but in my head, it seems easier to face the world alone.
That way, you feel like you do not hold people back and vice versa. There was always a part of me that would have rather disappeared than be around people and still feel alone.
Over the past year, I have been learning to love others more. I would at least want to be there for someone so that they would not feel alone. I know I am not alone in my struggles, I know others going through the same would need reassurance, too.
The world and the internet are such vast places. It is so easy to feel alone. It may take time, but I know we, one day, you and I would find our tribe.
5. Pressure you put on yourself is more than the world demands of you.
Being a failure is all in perspective.
Looking at all the beautiful pictures on Instagram, it is so easy to feel inferior. The pressure to take better photos and learn to have a better eye for angles is on. Posting great pictures has been pressuring me over the past weeks. The social media world is still so foreign.
The pressure deters me from trying. Although all my social media work had only begun over the past few months, I learned that I should be having fun.
This is a journey I am choosing to share. All the pressure I experience is outside of what has been flowing from my experience and my life.
Your journey is unique, it is not like anyone else’s. It is your story and your life. Do not let the world dictate it.
I realized I should not let the world dictate what I should look like, the things I should be posting, and most importantly, not where I should be today (single or married, living alone or helping my family, a manager or in an entry-level job, keeping my job or resigning and starting fresh).
I am very thankful to all of you who stand listening to my story. I may seem like a rambling fool sometimes, and so my heart goes out to all the patience and understanding you have shown me. I hope I could do the same for all.
Busyzi 