The world of self-help may now be nuanced. The idea has become some cult-followed, aspiration on a pedestal. Followers pride themselves on the books under their belt, therapy sessions, hikes in national parks, and regular meditation.
Even if the idea of self-help is overrated, that does not mean that we are free from any struggle, nor are we at the point of perfection. We all need some help, and we all need to improve ourselves one way or the other.
We are all messed up, a work in progress, broken. That does not mean we should remain stagnant in our flaws and brokenness.
I am no self-help and self-improvement guru, nor do I aspire to be. I am a twenty-something living her life and finding ways to improve herself. I embarked on a journey to be a better being that takes up space and oxygen on this planet.
As I have been figuring my life out, here are a few things that have helped take me to where I am today that did not come from self-help books.
1. Understanding my PERSONAL journey
My life is filled with its very own ups and downs. That does not make me an expert in life, but it makes me someone who is purposefully finding ways to better herself.
Going through the journey, I decided to write down what I learned in that process. To give life to the journey as something distinct from my internal thoughts.
I am not here to push any thoughts or ideology down anyone’s throats. My journey is not your journey. But that does not mean you could not learn from my mistakes and problems.
Reading about the woes and lives of other people has helped me put my thoughts, experiences, and emotions into perspective. I may not literally be experiencing their problems, but other people’s journeys have helped me with my personal journey.
I cannot look at my life and tell people what they should or should not do. Some things may work for me but not for you. That is because you have a personal journey of your own. But you can always gain perspective, learn for yourself and grow from there.
2. The Smallest Details are What Matter when You Dream Big
The toxicity of the self-help world is found in the notoriety placed on the general idea of climbing up and dominating the “better human” ladder.
That ladder does not exist. There is no standard of what a better human is.
There is just you and the current or previous versions of yourself. Improvement for you may look like something light-years away from someone else. But in their world, the goal is just a moon’s breadth away.
You cannot look at another person’s progress and demand you follow suit. One man’s goals may be nothing to the other. That does not make your dreams any less valid.
I want to improve specific aspects of my personal life and journey that may look nothing like the guy who dreams of gains at the gym. He may be working on benching more, while I might be looking for ways to travel more.
For either of us to reach our goals, they should be defined, and the steps toward them should be identified.
For the longest time, I have been trying to nail time management. Doing so, I am trying to look into every hour of the day and see how I throw minutes away. I have to be specific and address the issues based on how I personally face them or how my body can handle them.
Having looked into time management, I have learned that not everyone can be a morning person. I see many self-help posts encouraging people to wake up early and be productive. But scientifically, all bodies are different, and you cannot force yourself to be a morning person if it’s not meant for you. Check out my blog post that dabbled with the idea of waking up early.
3. Goal-Oriented Improvement is the Key
More than half of 2022 has gone by. How are your resolutions? What is the status of your goals?
Writing this feels like work—so did my blog post about goal-setting at the beginning of the year.
It is fun to aspire for change, to look at others’ flaws, and see what they lack. Self-help books and motivation pages on social media are enjoyable, too. It’s all fun and games until you put work into it.
Improving yourself should be specific enough for you to be able to lay the end-point down as a goal with a path towards it.
Goal-setting, despite the connotation of corporate goals, is a part of improving and helping yourself. It is boring but will work.
What spirals have you been endlessly falling into? What specific steps need to be taken to get out of the loop?
Without the hard questions and the necessary steps, every self-help book you read is money flushed down the toilet.
Reading does not mean knowledge, and knowledge does not mean wisdom. I had to learn the hard way that I should not just sit and wait for help to come and for my life to improve.
4. Open Your Heart to Others
Being trapped in a job I never enjoyed, I became the only passenger on a self-pity train.
Everyone was a threat, no one understood me, and I was a victim of the circumstances. Life was unfair to me, and everyone has it better.
I compared myself to everyone else and saw how much they enjoyed their lives. Flaunting their purchases, getting recognition, moving up the rungs of the corporate ladder, and rubbing shoulders with their bosses.
Their achievements, I despised. Only to a very few did I genuinely root for and genuinely hoped success to fall upon them.
And with that, I cut other people off and learned to harbor anger over invisible injustices.
Comparison is a killer. Don’t fall for that trap.
It was wrong for me to discredit the achievements of others and pity myself for all I lacked.
Having a friend who has healed tremendously with the help of a book that left you in the dark does not mean their healing is a hoax. Or their pain was far less than yours.
Your bias is blinding.
The more you focus inward, the deeper you will drown in the darkness.
Over the past months, I learned how to truly support others and root for them. If not, I learned to still respect each one’s accomplishments regardless of my personal thoughts on the matter. And that has freed me more than stepping away and loathing at a distance.
Self-help, self-love and self-care do not mean isolation.
5. No Guarantee I’ll Get There
As I have been finding ways to grow, I have learned to accept the fact that nothing I do can guarantee me success. No book can ensure that my life will turn out like the author.
Reading this blog post does not guarantee that you will learn anything. Or that you will find yourself on better, greener paths. Most likely, this sentence went through your head. All the words are now lost in the sea of all your o thoughts and problems.
Nothing is certain, and yet nothing is permanent. I should just keep moving forward.
People around me have also left their jobs without a plan. None of us was given a map to a similar destination. None of us know if the steps we have taken will lead us to the destination we have in mind.
What matters to me is that I tried. Even if I failed, I would like to look back and say that I did the best I could instead of hiding behind the walls of some secure corporate job.
So here is to everyone who is trying out there.
Busyzi 