When your internal monologue begins to chant TGIF first thing on a Friday morning, and your heart feels heavier at the end of a Sunday evening, something is wrong.
I may not know the answer, but I know that things have to change.
So here is how I am coming to terms with these feelings and the need for change.
1. Noticing a Pattern
In the last few weeks, I have been dreading Mondays.
Once again, I feel like I am making it through a week feeling emotionally, mentally, and physically tired. The weekend goes by too fast, and there is too much to do on a Monday morning.
Days have felt longer, and weeks have felt heavier.
There are days when I feel like I am on top of all my to-ds and days when I feel like I am drowning under everything while holding on to my sanity.
In the last few weeks, I have struggled to hone my energy into the workday given everything else that needs to get done and the indulgence in activities that spark joy in my life. The point of accepting this job was that I could effectively juggle everything else with the workload. I was supposed to have enough time to rest, walk my dog in the morning, exercise after a work day, write for this blog, and write for other projects up my sleeve while working for this company.
Mondays are now dreaded, while Tuesdays feel cramped. Wednesdays feel too short. Thursdays and Fridays feel like a waiting game for problems to explode right before a weekend.
The weekend comes and goes, and we are back to a Monday.
On top of that, the past weekends were filled with activities—some I missed (check out my post about plans falling through). So the weekdays are jam-packed, and the weekends have been tiring, too.
Recognizing this, I better understand why I feel so tired on a Monday morning,
2. Respecting the Exhaustion
I am tired.
We all are tired, and sometimes we push through weeks without acknowledging the exhaustion.
I pretend I have everything together as if I do not need others’ attention and sympathy. But that means I hold on to a mask that may soon break under the pressure.
Although graced with a job that allowed us unlimited leaves, taking leave has felt more tasking.
Recently, a day off meant I was returning to a full week’s worth of work that needed to be done in the remaining four days. The leaves I took and the tasks I kindly asked others to step in for me fell on deaf ears.
Who would not feel exhausted? Who would not pretend they are well and dandy instead of bothering others to try to cover for you?
This week, I have accepted that I am tired even if I am scared to admit it.
Thankfully the last two weekends were pretty uneventful (except for that small music session I accidentally missed because I slept through the alarm for a power nap).
Acknowledging that I need to rest and understanding how the past weeks lead me to this slump, I now know that things have to change.
3. Understanding Why and What Has to Change
Adjusting.
I may still be adjusting to the actual demands of this job. Even if I have been working here for a little more than 6 months, new accounts are coming in while requests and calls are ramping up.
That and all my other extracurricular commitments, I felt I was on a never-ending cycle of work, personal errands, then work catch-up. Like a snake eating its own tail.
There is no space to create, no time to flesh out ideas I hoped to get into in the last 6 months. There was no allowance to enjoy the world. The idea of traveling while working now feels like a stretch.
With the lack of freedom, I can now see why work has begun feeling like a burden.
New light should be shed on my work and how I get things done.
I have to better balance the tasks I have placed upon myself versus the actual demands of the job. I should be able to define time for my personal errands and responsibilities and develop the discipline to work on the projects I aspire for—even if I have to leave work projects unfinished.
I need to learn to accept a day’s worth of work, even if it means I cannot get everything done on the work day or in the work week.
Work will always be there, no matter the ratings from a boss or clients. I am learning to offer this company an honest 8 hours’ worth of work. That is where my responsibility ends.
It should not limit my desire to travel or my need to rest and recuperate when I am sick. It should not push me to the point of mental exhaustion, freezing any desire to keep working on things that matter to me.
A 180-degree change cannot happen overnight, but I understand the need now. I just have to start.
Busyzi 
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