The last 3 months of the year have now rolled in. And Christmas is around the corner.
Oh, has this year gone by faster than the last?
There are only a few more months left to decide on a matter I have been putting off since last year.
I don’t think all this thinking, delaying, and contemplating has brought me closer to a decision as I hoped.
I am probably just delaying the final decision because I have no confidence and certainty in either choice.
Isn’t that something we are all afraid of?
Uncertainty is terrifying but in the face of adventure, isn’t that what makes things exciting? The delving into the unknown, the novelty of the new experience…
Maybe I should just let go and plunge into this. I kept pushing this choice back, this hope I had, which was initially just wishful thinking.
I know it won’t be easy, it will be a sacrifice and not something small at the expense of not just my job but my life, my comfort, and my person.
I am afraid I will get lost in all of it. I am afraid I will get swayed by matters that are far from the understanding of who I am and the purpose of this life I was given.
I want to know, and I have been hiding behind the doors of fixed corporate paychecks, comfort, and a little excess to go out on a limb and find out.
Maybe, the fact that I am indecisive has pushed me to not take any risks. The fact that I was raised to not push for passions of the heart made me stop pushing the edge of anything that sparks true joy.
Maybe the fact that I can never stand up in a crowd for something I care for is why I am happy sitting on the fence and pushing the envelope in industries I care little about.
Maybe the warning from family about how burnout from your passion makes you hate something you used to love made me stay in this world of mid-satisfaction.
Maybe it’s because I never found myself to possess any kind of talent worth fighting for, honed enough to be proud of, and skilled enough to pursue.
Maybe all of this will add up to the fact that I am happy to die in the life of mediocrity I was somewhat born into, and yet cursed with a heart that yearned and wished for more.
There is nothing in this life right now that I am holding on to. Only a hope of what is to come, and a hope greater than what this physical, fallen and decaying world can only provide a glimpse of. (Read Leaf by Niggle—something more is out there)
And I see beauty in the beyond, a call to things greater than I am.
And maybe, that is why I am okay with just this.
But also, why I will always hold tightly to the bidding of the what-ifs.
Busyzi 